My First Book by Honor Levy

Author:Honor Levy [Levy, Honor]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2024-05-14T00:00:00+00:00

Edgelord

Gideon and Ivan say starting my glossary with the word autism is a total edgelord move. An edgelord is a person who, according to Urban Dictionary, “uses shocking and nihilistic speech and opinions that they themselves may or may not actually believe to gain attention and come across as a more dangerous and unique person.” An edgelord is a lover of both irony and sincerity. We/they live in the tiny space between these terms. Nothing feels real anymore (eerie). It’s edgelords who embrace this. It feels so good to accept the instability of our times. It feels so natural, fun, and comforting to add to this instability. Perhaps this loving embrace is dangerous. When I think of edgelords, I remember that we members of this system will never be able to truly fight it.

When I met Gideon on that rainy spring night, under the blankets in my dorm, on my phone, in my Instagram DMs, I thought he was just a classic edgelord. But he made me laugh. He made me uncomfortable and I love being uncomfortable. When I can pinpoint what is making me uneasy I feel less uneasy. When I am uncomfortable my thoughts race, and I love speed. Speed means my brain is working. A week after our internet encounter, he drove the two hours from him to me. We drank and we laughed and we thought. It was great and then it wasn’t and then it was and now I don’t know what it is.

Now it’s summer and those kids are still in those cages and I care and my one really good friend does not. He reminds me that my caring and his not caring are actually the exact same thing. Neither of us is doing anything to help. He is being sincere. Maybe his edgy statement, this declaration of complexity, this act of edgelording, will drive me to take some sort of action.

I ask my mom to donate my frequent-flier miles to help lawyers get down to that border. I cry hot tears to Ivan and ask him to tell me that Gideon is wrong. He tells me that Gideon crossed the line a long time ago, that he is no longer an edgelord with an internship. Now he’s a fascist with a government grant. Ivan tells me that he doesn’t like Gideon, but that my hot tears are selfish and useless and Gideon is right about this. We are no different from him. Why should I cry about those kids and not the kids starving in Yemen or in refugee comas in Sweden? I tell my friend I care because it’s my country and I paid taxes for the first time this spring. If you care about the kids, stop calling them those kids, he says. That’s exactly the issue with edgelords, if you walk on that thin line you are bound to slip and cross over to one side at some point.

My mom tells me that caring is enough. I know that she’s wrong.

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